Craigslist killer.

Prime suspect is one nicely packaged transitive verb: Markoff.

Well, I guess that about sums it up. Good work, detectives! You saved the department countless hours of overtime with that clever sleuthing.

But the poor guy, a medical student with a dentist dad, says he can’t afford a lawyer!

Not to worry, I hear Crayola’s attorneys may offer some pro bono work in exchange for commercial appearances of Markoff marking off various lists.

Meanwhile, the US, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Germany, Poland, Italy, and even Israel were boycotting the conference altogether, noting that soon their indigenous and “brown” population problems would be taken care of on many fronts, including marketing “freedom awareness”, paying reparations in the form of providing fast food jobs, and the recognition of gang leaders who seek to “represent” ghetto populations.

Well, let me start by saying it’s not just any poo, but particularly diarrhea.

It all started with an innocent search of “hemorrhoids” on Google Trends, which showed that there was a rather curious trend in people searching for “hemorrhoids” starting in early 2008.

“hemorrhoids” and “diarrhea” (United States only)

As you can see, after years of rather stable “hemorrhoids” searching, there was a marked dip in searches from about January to March. I believe this is indicative of the transition many people experienced in that period when they went from being relatively constipated, to having anxiety and/or junk food-induced diarrhea. So, in that period of transition, many of them experienced a short period of relative comfort, before the diarrhea had time to occur often enough to become a major irritant to their hemorrhoids.

Apparently, some people saw the writing on the wall (maybe even a bathroom wall on Wall Street). And they must have known that their backsides (and by extension, our economy) were heading for deep trouble, because enough of them searched for relief in the way of “preperation h” to show up as a distinct spike in May and June of 2008 on Google Trends:

"preparation h" and "anal cream" (global searches)

Truly those people were ahead of the curve and may represent the wealthier, more informed investors who also, incidentally preferred top brand products. A more generic search for “anal cream” did not spike until well after the economic damage had been done. So, those people were either tougher in enduring their pain, or they were simply out of the loop in financial matters, but due to their 401(k)’s, mortgage problems, or job prospects, their butts are in for some hurting now, too. And in addition to their presumed lesser financial means, and the fact that after the crash they of course want to spend less, and that this particular trend was global, they therefore searched for the more generic “anal cream” term, as depicted above.

When September rolled around, the proverbial shit may have hit the fan, but the actual stuff was hitting the sidewalls and rims of numerous toilet bowls all across the “ownership society”. “Scared shitless” is a more apt descriptor than “shitting bricks” when used to convey fear. Here is the chart for the presumably anxious searches for “stock market”:

“stock market” (US searches only)

And indeed, people should be scared in just that sort of way, having been convinced by their employers to ante up in a game of chance, with bigger players having much deeper pockets. Their combined contributions to such things as 401(k)’s drives up the pot in speculative markets, and when the house of cards tumbles, as it is bound to do every generation or so, and rather unexpectedly, then it is only the players with deep pockets left in the game. And it just so happens that they wrote the rules in the first place. Buy cheap, they say. And they sure will now, thank you very much.

These graphic illustrations, I believe, depict just one of the complex feedback mechanisms in the marketplace of valuation. The market can move our bowels. But it, in turn, is moved by our emotional state.

Unbridled capitalism, in pursuit of resources and markets, inevitably gives rise to a military-industrial complex. And it runs great on guns and oil, so long as no one says “BOO!”.

Perhaps now, we may see the difference between “making a living” and “making a killing”, and make more appropriate valuations of the two.

By the way, if you are suffering from hemorrhoids and diarrhea as a result of anxiousness, try 30 to 40 minutes of exercise each day to reduce stress and calm your overactive fight/flight mechanism. Also, avoid caffeine and other stimulants, which may cause you to poop more. And be sure to get enough sleep and eat healthy. It’s worth spending an extra dollar or two for healthier food rather than junk. And don’t look at the news so much. And invest more in your family and loved ones, and not so much in speculative markets. The return is much more rewarding and reliable.

And you get out onto that sun-baked rock on that first clear, crisp spring day and lay down to soak it all in….

Ahhhh…the warming sun, the chirping birds, the budding green, the blue blue sky, the strange objects floating through your visual field.

‘Wait a second’, you think. ‘Those aren’t in the commercials!’

Then you close your eyes and open them again, as if to reset or wipe away whatever must be on them.

But soon enough, you realize you can’t rid yourself of these crazy little eye goblins any sooner than you can de-freckle a standard-issue redhead. So what gives?

Well, my friends, you’re not alone. May I present to you the ever-trendy “Blue Sky Eye Floater Phenomenon”, a common disturbance, it seems, in warmer months, when more folks typically enjoy the outdoors in various horizontal skyward positions. Or they’re just looking up.

Anyway, check out the following Google Trends chart that shows a direct correlation between how much people search “eye floaters” and “outdoor activities”, noting the cyclical recurrences of lesser and greater averages over the seasons.

So, don’t freak out, people. It’s not a UFO. And you probably don’t have cancer…..yet.

For more about eye floaters, read this wiki.

For more about outdoor activities, see your local park.

"eye floaters" and "outdoor activities" as searched for on Google over time.

In fact, you know what? Starting today, I’m going to pen the “Green Gaia Series of Superstars”, and it’s going to be about some environmental heroes. Forget the Incredible Hulk, though green he may be. I’m talking about the likes of Carrie Wood, Hugh Stone, and, of course……Doug Pitt.